Oscar Party 2010

by Jonathan Doyle, Sarah Duda and Neil Karassik

Since everyone else seems to be blogging live about the Oscars, we figured we should... be like everyone else. We all have our own Oscar night favorites, but there's at least one thing we all agree on: Avatar is bad news. No offense Avatar fans, but in spite of our shared pre-release enthusiasm/curiosity, none of us understand what all the fuss is about. In fact, it's fair to say that we're all pretty anti-Avatar. So keep that in mind as you read our distinctly anti-Navi Oscar night play-by-play.

JD: This everyone-on-stage opening is embarrassing.

NK: This is such a weirdly coordinated, humorless thing. It's like a Miss America pageant.

SD: I love Neil Patrick Harris, but this is terrible. I feel like I'm on a cruise ship.

JD: This Baldwin/Martin banter is really square.

NK: This is very broad, terrible humor.

SD: Who is that Benicio Del Toro-looking guy sitting behind Helen Mirren?

JD: They're already resorting to trippy, surrealist sight gags. I smell desperation.

NK: Good to see Tarantino sporting the Dario Argento hair.

SD: How did Stanley Tucci get nominated for The Lovely Bones?

JD: Christophe Waltz wins... and Tarantino looks borderline emotional. Cool.

NK: We all knew he'd win and we all wanted him to win. Also, the "uber-bingo" joke was funny.

SD: Yeah, Waltz was a lock, but I'm glad he won. I liked his speech.

JD: This animated interview sketch is really cool. Fantastic Mr. Fox clearly deserves this award, but Up's gonna take it.

NK: How is The Princess and the Frog nominated and not Ponyo?

SD: Pixar wins again. It was clear from that sketch that Fantastic Mr. Fox and Coraline are the more deserving films.

NK: Crazy Heart just took best song. Again, we all saw that one coming.

SD: Pretty cool that T-Bone won.

JD: Scott Cooper looks pretty happy. He's only directed one movie and he's already been thanked in an Oscar speech.

NK: The Hurt Locker wins best script. QT looks really disappointed.

JD: Terrific speech by Mark Boal. Heartfelt and thorough yet quick and to-the-point. You can tell he's a journalist.

SD: Boal did a good job of acknowledging his political perspective in his speech without preaching.

NK: This John Hughes tribute is out of control. They showed multiple Home Alone clips... and Macauley Culkin's on the stage.

SD: I didn't expect to see any Home Alone clips tonight.

JD: These short film awards always burn me in the Oscar pool. Just got the first two wrong.

NK: The last of the three short winners got totally cut-off.

SD: Ben Stiller is presenting the make-up award as a Navi.

NK: This is the first truly funny thing so far. Highlight of the night.

JD: As expected, Star Trek won. But make-up is such a second-rate category, they only have three nominees -- so who cares.

SD: Precious just won best adapted screenplay. Jason Reitman is gonna piss his pants!

NK: This is the first big upset of the night. What is with the way this guy is speaking?

JD: Incredibly odd choice. Incredibly odd speech. Crazy random cutting to black audience members. Oh, and nice belated shot of a disappointed Jason Reitman.

NK: Lifetime achievement montage. This is horribly edited.

JD: So John Hughes gets a full-blown tribute at the Oscars, but the real Lifetime Achievement Award winners don't? Ridiculous.

SD: Still, it's nice to see Roger Corman get a standing ovation.

JD: Mo'nique just won mo awards. She's doing her intense inspirational voice.

NK: And now... Colin Firth. Very jarring post-Precious hoopla. He should present the Precious montage.

SD: Avatar just won for art direction. Strange, confusing speech.

JD: Young Victoria won for costume design. Sandy Powell's cool.

NK: Everyone thought she was a bitch, but there was something kind of badass about her entrance.

SD: She entered like she was Young Victoria.

NK: I can't look at Taylor Lautner. This guy makes me really angry. Wait, I can't believe they're doing a horror montage. They just showed Leprechaun at the Oscars! And in a sincere, non-joking way.

SD: They just showed Jennifer Aniston... in Leprechaun! Two Leprechaun clips in one montage.

JD: So apparently credible horror is represented by Stephen King, Steven Spielberg and... Jennifer Aniston!

SD: The Hurt Locker just won for best sound editing. This guy looks like Brad Pitt in An Interview with the Vampire... and he just won a second Oscar for sound mixing.

JD: Travolta introduces Inglourious Basterds montage, which is followed by an extended Eli Roth close-up.

NK: He looks scary.

SD: He looks evil!

JD: Avatar just won for best cinematography. Not surprising. Not deserving.

SD: Death montage. James Taylor looks like Robert Duvall.

JD: Clearly no one in Hollywood has heard of Eric Rohmer. Brittany Murphy, on the other hand...

SD: Where did they get that terrifying David Brown shot?

JD: It was supposed to be in the horror montage.

SD: Do you think all the celebrities in the audience are thinking about when they'll be in the death montage?

JD: That would explain the eerily muted applause.

SD: Watching score dance numbers. Some dude is breakdancing to the The Hurt Locker score.

NK: This guy looks like Ali G. It looks like he's possessed. "Pants on the Ground." Now some guy's doing The Robot to the Up score.

JD: The Avatar score sounds like it was written by Ewoks.

NK: This score sequence is surprisingly watchable.

JD: And the winner is... the-guy-who-did-The-Robot for Up. Wait, he doesn't get the award? They're giving it to the composer instead.

SD: Avatar won for best special effects. John Landau's getting so many props in acceptance speeches. Who's John Landau?

JD: Very happy that The Cove won. Ric O'Barry's onstage! The Oscar producers cut away when he tries to hold up some pro-dolphin texting instructions.

ND: The Hurt Locker wins for best editing.

JD: I love that these guys started in horror and mention Roger Corman, Sam Raimi, etc.

SD: KEANU! He's introducing The Hurt Locker montage.

JD: Point Break reference.

NK: Pedro Almodovar and Quentin Tarantino are introducing best foreign film.

SD: Tarantino is doing some crazy pronunciation on these foreign titles.

JD: And the winner is... El Secreto de Sus Ojos Argentina. Wow. Why have I never heard of this movie?

NK: This two-man hosting thing isn't working at all.

JD: Michelle Pfeiffer's paying endless tribute to Jeff Bridges.

NK: Can they get any closer to Jeff Bridges' face. This is an incredibly close close-up. Now Vera Farmiga's talking about George Clooney -- and he looks like he has a mullet.

SD: What is with these close-ups?

NK: That Jeff Bridges one was insane.

JD: Colin Farrell just called Jeremy Renner "man" and "brother" like twelve times. He also referenced a mysterious trip they took to Mexico together.

NK: What the hell is Colin Farrell talking about?

JD: The Dude just won! Standing ovation. Jeremy Renner looks genuinely happy for him. Colin Firth too. Sounds like his parents really, really loved showbiz.

SD: They're certainly not cutting him off.

NK: Sandra Bullock beating people like Meryl Streep is a crude, weird alternate reality. This is an insult to acting.

JD: Sean Penn really wasn't feeling it. It must be really demeaning to present an Oscar to someone who won a Razzie the day before.

SD: Kathryn Bigelow just won the directing Oscar. Barbara Streisand, stop talking. Let Bigelow talk.

NK: Classy speech.

JD: Yeah, it was... wait, The Hurt Locker for Best Picture too. That was insanely fast, Tom Hanks. Very glad to see Avatar get defeated. And The Hurt Locker is a deserving winner.

NK: Baldwin and Martin are improvising a sketch with Bigelow. Give her some space. She just won two Oscars. Overall, the Oscars were predictable, but pretty good.

SD: Up in the Air losing for adapted screenplay was the biggest upset.

JD: It was less of a tribute to film history than usual, but at least some worthy films won. The Hurt Locker is the best winner of Best Picture in a long time. Crazy night. Lots of talking, lots of typing. We hope some of that made sense.