A Chipmunk Christmas

(Paramount Home Entertainment, 9.26.2006)

Upon revisiting this holiday classic, I was reminded of all the uncovered truths that lie deep beneath the surface that is Alvin and his droogs (Theodore is such a Dim). Why is everyone else human when the Chipmunks clearly aren't? Where did Dave find these creatures? Why is Dave such a slave-driving, irresponsible parent? Was he not decent enough to score legitimate, human children? And finally, thanks to two of these Christmas-themed episodes from the mid-'80s, why do Dave and the munks look like manga characters? Even after watching this hour-long collection of forgettable episodes, many of these head-scratchers remain unanswered.

I've always wondered why Alvin was treated like such an uber celebrity by all the kids in town. I know the Chipmunks like to perform songs for Dave, but are they supposed to be *NSYNC or something? While I doubt Alvin will bring sexy back anytime soon, he does manage to bust out some pretty sweet harmonica tunes at Carnegie Hall.

Alvin also appears to have a secret admirer. Little Timmy (or Jimmy, like it matters) seems to be slightly obsessed with that little red rascal. I know Timmy/Jimmy is ill and all -- and I don't wanna go breaking some sick kid's balls -- but what is up with him having a huge pinup poster of Alvin above his bed? I can honestly say that I've never placed a gigantic poster of any of my friends -- be they male, female or chipmunk -- above my friggin' bed. This is strange and alarming behavior, plain and simple. Also in this episode, Alvin gives Timmy his harmonica to cheer the little guy up. I'm not a parent, but I sure as hell don't think sick kids and chipmunks should be sharing orally-used objects.

Aside from creating the template for Justin Timberlake, Alvin mostly functions as an early incarnation of Bart Simpson (he's even got the trademark red baseball cap and skateboard). Dave is clearly a bumbling, brainless Homer figure, while Simon is Lisa and Theodore is Ralph Wiggims. So here we have the dynamic that is Alvin (the cool-as-ice rude boy), Simon (the lanky, four-eyed nerd), Theodore (the stupid fatty), and their grumpy, inept, adoptive father.

I don't want to be a complete Grinch, though, as I do remember digging this franchise back in the day. Unfortunately, the Chipmunks have not aged well at all. The 1981 classic -- complete with that incessantly cute song -- seems like it was made in the fifties. The animation is crude and the story itself is as bad as any Christmas episode from any crappy television series. Clearly, this is no Charlie Brown (or even Garfield) Christmas.

The two "filler" episodes certainly don't help matters. Granted, we get to see a hunky, Japanese looking Dave, but the episodes themselves are utterly contrived. I mean, how hard is it to make a half-decent Christmas episode? Just throw in a turkey, a Christmas tree, presents, a scrooge, humble morals, and some homeless people. It's a very simple science.

I'm quite fond of holiday specials, but this is definitely sub-par Christmas material. Of course, if you want to teach an annoying song to some kids, look no further than this DVD (the 25th anniversary edition also includes a soundtrack CD). If I were a 5-year-old, I'd probably be singing a different Christmas tune. -- Neil Karassik